I have been getting a lot of pressure lately to place my son in gan (Israeli pre-school) in the fall. I was going to write about this. I was going to write about how my choice for my future 18 month old is financially dependent. I was going to write about how that is a cycle because my employment pre-child would not have even covered the cost of child care, therefore I left it and chose to be a stay -at-home-mom. And then came the search for employment from which I always stopped short. I am over qualified yet under qualified. I have an undergraduate degree in Biology and a plethora of entry level work experience, yet it feels I am barely qualified to bag groceries or flip burgers. I have been living in a country for 2+ years for which I understand the language and culture in my head, but am paralyzed when having to execute either field of knowledge.
And then there is my fear. Fear to send my child out into an uncertain world. A world where the newspaper reports monsters disguised at motherly day care professionals. Children shaken, neglected etc. But the worst part is another cycle. My child has inherited my fearful personality. And the threat that keeping him at home with me will only further nurture and foster this character trait lingers menacingly over my head.
I wrote at the beginning "I was going to write". I wanted to write about something else.
